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How not to spoil a child
By Sarah Barnard of The Carrying Kind
Yesterday I heard something that made me want to weep. I suggested a toy to a grandmother looking for presents for a fairly new grandchild...no more than a few months old. The toy in question was a scarf with various playthings attached, designed to be worn round the neck of a parent or carer and played with by an "in arms" child. "Oh, we don't want to encourage that!" It breaks my heart to hear someone, who clearly loves the child in question, say that being cuddled is something to discourage. Would that be spoiling then, to hold a child close to you? Some people believe it is. They'll want to be held all the time, apparently. It is how we come into the world, hard-wired to expect to be carried around by our carers. We may, by virtue of our intellectual capablities, override the instincts with which we are born, but at birth, we are pretty primitive. A human baby is born with the strong grip reflex which would have allowed his ape ancestors to cling to his mother's fur as she travelled through the trees. Of course we humans have sexually selected for *less* body hair so there's nothing for our primitive primate to cling to. So we have two choices. One has been made by people all over the world for millenia. Our babies cannot cling so we make slings to tie them to us, allowing the full use of our arms to go about our daily lives while our babies get the closeness they need. Cross-cultural research shows that carried babies cry less, show greater attachment to their carer and are more socially developed. The other is the route favoured by affluent western societies. Babies are manipulative devils determined to make a mug of you if you don't show them who is boss. Independence and distance are more valued than secure attachment and closeness. All the available research proves them wrong but we persist in believing that we will spoil our children if we attend to their needs, carry them when they need holding, pick them up when they cry. When we think other things that spoil, it tends to happen when we neglect them, leave them alone too long, like the last satsuma in the fruitbowl. Actually there is a third way...you can keep your baby in arms without a sling, but I don't recommend it. It makes it very challenging to go to the loo, or make a sandwich and chopping carrots is all but impossible. Get a sling, because babies need to be held and you need your hands for the 21st century equivalent of swinging through the trees. No one is ever able to explain exactly how it "spoils" a child to show it love and affection, to teach it that you are listening, that you care about it and will try to meet its needs. Touch is essential to well-being. We all need it and it is easy and free.
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Contributor's Note
This is a personal and heartfelt response to the plight of babies whose carers believe that you can love or cuddle them too much.
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